not cutting is like holding your breath. For those first couple of seconds u feel fine but then u start to crave the air and u have a harder time thinking then u start to remember how it feels to breathe in and out and how calm and normal it feels and how much clearer everything is and by then things start to go fuzzy and u can barely think at all let alone focus so u take a deep breath and give up u let the need consume u and u know u cant live without it. I feel asthough i cant live without it every second of every day i crave it and i lose focus and even though things arent really that bad it seems as though my whole life is crumbling and i cant stop remembering how much easier it was to take control of the pain for once and put everything back into perspective. And how for just once i actually had something that nobody could take from me something that was mine that i caused that it would be impossible for anybody to claim. im not holding my breath im being suffocated..
